general musings


Okay, that was cheesy, I know. 🙂

I worked the farmers market this morning at a booth for my work. I have never been a morning person, so the prospect of being at the park by 7 AM is very daunting for me. I was quite dreading it last night, because I feel a little sleep deprived this past week and I was longing to sleep in.

The great thing about the farmers market is that once you are there, it’s really a lovely way to spend the morning. Despite the fact that it was 97 degrees (or more) today, it was very pleasant and cool this morning, and I also lucked out with a spot under the trees so I was in the shade all day.

Once I was there and set up, I sat enjoying the cool clear post-sunrise and watching the beginnings of activity, and really wished I could develop into a morning person. It’s so beautiful and peaceful at that time of day. The quiet bustle of the farmers and vendors getting their produce set up and the early risers starting to shop. One of my favorite parts of being at the farmers market that early is hearing the church bells chime at eight o’clock at the orthodox greek church across the street.

Even later on, once it gets quite busy, it’s still a peaceful kind of busy. The crowds are dense, but most everyone is strolling slowly, seeing what each booth has to offer. It is one of the best things in Salt Lake, in my opinion. There’s so much diversity to be seen and everyone is just co-existing peacefully. It makes Salt Lake seem like a much bigger and more diverse city than it really is.

I also got a whole lot of great produce for very little money. I got 6 ears of corn, 2 giant zucchinis, 2 big onions, 3 cloves of garlic (is a clove the whole big thing or each individual part of the whole? i’m not sure – in any case, I got 3 of the whole big things of garlic), and a basketful of small baby red potatoes, all for about $11.

The only sad thing about the day is that my honey had to close tonight, so I worked from 7AM to 1PM and by the time I packed up and got home, she was about to get in the shower to be at work at 3, and she’ll get home around midnight. Ships passing in the mid-afternoon.

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That’s one of my favorite lines from “Angels in America,” part of which I rewatched last night.

I have neglected the blog terribly the past while, for some good and not-so-good reasons.There are always going to be reasons to not find the time to write – work, yard projects, etc. But I’ve also been second-guessing myself a bit, as far as what I’m writing here and what, if anything, it accomplishes.

I had a conversation with someone a few weeks ago that has stopped me in my tracks a bit. It was an opportunity to share some very personal moments from my coming out journey, and I did it in good faith that the person I shared them with would at least acknowledge their importance to me. I’ve held onto this idea that even people who don’t agree with my decision to accept myself might develop a little bit of understanding if they knew the whole story. But it didn’t work out that way, and along with being incredibly hurtful and disappointing, the experience has caused me to re-evaluate a few things.

So, I’m being purposefully vague, because the person I had this conversation with is a dear loved one and I don’t want to “out” him, for want of a better word, because the conversation was intended to be private.

But the long and short of it is, I felt like I really put myself out there and shared some very personal and sacred experiences that have led to me this place where I feel with all of my heart that I am living the life God would have me live. And although the other person probably felt like he put himself out there as well, after listening to me, came back to me with what felt like the standard Mormon response: “But this is what the prophet said…”

Here’s the thing I hope I learned though – my mistake in going into this conversation with the level of expectation I did was that I was asking him to do the same thing he was asking me to do, which is question my own set of beliefs and my relationship with God. For him, this is a black and white issue and to allow even a little bit of compassion for my circumstances is akin to denying his testimony of the prophets.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, and how it might have gone differently, but in reality, I’m not sure there was any other outcome. Either I have to change what I firmly believe or he has to – and neither of those things is likely to happen. But that’s a very sad thing for both of us.

So. What now? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if I’ll be as willing to share my experiences as readily as I did this time if someone else inquires down the road. I’d like to think I can, but it’s very hurtful to have those experiences rejected outright.

I am hoping/planning to start posting more often here – although I hope I can change the tone a bit. I had been using the blog as a place to vent about things that get to me – in addition to sharing some of my coming out experiences and current experiences. But I think I’ve let the venting take center stage, and I feel it ends up mis-representing my life. It’s seemed like a safe place to blow off steam where people can come and choose to read it or not. No one is required to stick around if they disagree, and that’s the beauty of blogging in general. But I don’t like to think that someone, whether they know me personally or not, would come across this blog and let the feelings expressed here confirm a preconceived notion that gay people are angry and unhappy people. Because that is far from true.

For today, I leave you with one last quote from “Angels in America”:

Nothing’s lost forever. In this world, there is a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we’ve left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least, I think that’s so.

Well, we had a fantastic time in Seattle last week. It probably seems a bit crazy to start making decisions/plans to move there, when summer is the only time we’ve been there. But man, those summer days are beautiful! It was such perfect weather the whole time we were there. I really think I could put up with a lot of rain during winter to have a summer like that. In the meantime, back here at home, it’s 100 degrees today…too hot to really even be outside.

So, we are definitely starting to make plans. There was a possibility that we would try to do it quickly and be there for a job opening for Erica in August. But that is seeming more and more impossible to accomplish. There is still too much to do and figure out. We need to figure out housing, both here and there. We are torn about our house here in Salt Lake, which we love and have so many plans for. I wish we could take it with us! But I don’t think in the current market, selling for what we’d like to make on it will be possible. Renting seems a better option, though we’d sure prefer to rent to someone we know (any takers out there?) 🙂 I think if we can wait a couple of years – maybe even one depending on how the market goes – we can make enough to buy something up there. Plus, renting for a short while up there is appealing because it will give us a chance to figure out where we want to buy.

The town where our friend that we stayed with lives is so adorable, but it would be a very long commute if I end up working in downtown Seattle. And we don’t really know where Erica will be working either.

So…these are the things we are trying to figure out. I think we’d both really love it up there. I know there is concern about the amount of rain and the lack of sun during the winter. But really, how much sun do we get here? Even when it isn’t cloudy, the inversion gets so thick that you really can’t see the sun anyway. I wouldn’t miss the snow at all, actually, though Erica will. We will both miss being close to our families.

But, that said, I think at least for me, getting out of Utah will help my family relationships in a lot of ways. I have a tendency to hear news about what the church is doing and assume that everyone in my family agrees with it (the CA marriage issue is the most recent example). But that is not necessarily true. And I think if I can live somewhere where the church’s actions aren’t in the newspapers every day that I can let a lot of that worry go. I don’t want to become that person who is always angry about something the church is doing – and that will be much easier to accomplish living in a place where no one else will really care at all.

So, at this point, it’s mainly figuring out the housing issues and then figuring out the timing. I think we’ll have to hope for a bit of serendipity as far as jobs go. One or the other of us will obviously have to have a firm job offer in hand, and then the other will have to trust/hope that she can find one as well. I’ll be sad in many ways to leave my current job. But I have faith that I can find something, with the experience I have now, that I will like just as well. Hopefully I will like the people I work with as well as I do now.

More to come as we figure it out….

Last night I found myself watching part of “American Idol Gives Back” and happened to hear Carrie Underwood perform the old George Michael song “Praying for Time.” I’d forgotten how much I like that song, and it struck me as being so much more relevant now than it was 10 or 15 years ago. Maybe it’s just that my own perspective is different now. It seems a bit silly to reflect so deeply on a song by an 80s icon that was sung on this big hit pop music show, but I admit, it really affected me.

A couple of things struck me in the lyrics.

“The rich declare themselves poor
And most of us are not sure
If we have too much, but we’ll take our chances
cause God stopped keeping score.
I guess somewhere along the way
he must have let us all out to play
turned his back
and all God’s children crept out the back door.”

This struck me as so exactly what is happening right now. The plans to “avoid recession” and fix the mortgage crisis all seemed to me to be aimed at helping companies and those who already got rich off making others poor. But now the wells are drying up and those groups are crying because the cash cow is dead, and somehow we are supposed to have sympathy for them and be glad that Congress is passing bills to help builders, and not necessarily homeowners. I know there’s a trickle-down effect, and when large companies go under people lose jobs, and then lose homes, but it just doesn’t seem like the people who really truly need help are actually going to get it.

“and you cling to the things they sold you
did you cover your eyes when they told you
that he can’t come back
cause he has no children to come back for.”

I really like these lines because it seems like religious hypocrisy is at an all time high lately. People use the name of Chris to justify just about everything from hate crimes to racism to violent acts again those they disagree with.

I should say that among my friends and family, at least 95% of those who are religious are truly sincere in their beliefs and put their money where their mouths are, trying to do good and live the best lives they can, and help others along the way when possible. But the public face of most religions is unfortunately often negative. And it makes me wonder if some of these extremists ever really think of Jesus anymore…do they really think of Jesus as someone who spread hatred or condoned violence, who wanted to force people to follow his teachings and restricted their rights if they didn’t? Because I’ve read the New Testament, and I have never seen that side of Jesus in the version I read. Maybe I should look at some other translations.

“and it’s hard to love, there’s so much to hate”

See, here’s where I have to really look inward, because I feel so angry sometimes about the injustices and the hypocrisy in the world, and I feel I’m not really capable of extending love to those who would hate me. It’s something I’m not really sure I aspire to, but I wish I aspired to it. I’d like to be that person, who could rise above it and be the bigger person. Maybe one day. Maybe that’s the biggest reason to pray for time.